im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
