I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
