It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
