You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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