I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
