We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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