cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
