I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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