My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
