Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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