im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
