no, he came in my armpit
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
