I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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