Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
