Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
