woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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