There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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