I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
