I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
ttyl tear gas
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
