i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
This is the high leading the old right now
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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