wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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