i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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