I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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