You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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