I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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