he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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