i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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