Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
