All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
