I could make wine with my vomit
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
