Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
where am i from again
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
