Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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