Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
