I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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