dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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