So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
