tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
