nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
