If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
