dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
