you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
