gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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