i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
