I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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