I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
