true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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