I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
