and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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