Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
