they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
