you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
