What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
