i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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